Inside BDSM

Inside BDSM – the good, the bad, the kinky!

A nosy student journo speaks to Mistress Kaz and finds out what in the world goes on inside BDSM!

What are some of the misconceptions about being a dominatrix?

There are many. Some people assume you wander the house clad from neck to toe in latex all day long. Others believe that you have slaves waiting on you hand and foot. I’m too independent and proactive to have slaves getting under my heels all day long and I think I would be too impatient to wait on someone else for everything.

Most people assume that dominants are cold and brutal characters in real life too, and well that stereotype does exist, dommes are generally normal people with all different kinds of personalities. 

A few have made the mistake of assuming that a Dominatrix is an escort who whips people, but the majority of authentic Pro-dommes do not have sex with their slaves. It’s not about sex, it’s about fantasy, psychology of the mind and servitude. Many subs wish to experience being submissive to a female. It is not about their orgasm it is about having their mind toyed with and trained.

Why do you think students, who serve you, want to be dominated?

It’s a form of escapism. Often they have seen something kinky online and want to try it out. It’s a lot harder to find a compatible playmate when you have kinky desires, which is why those wishing to experience fetish turn to a dominatrix for help. They might wish to spend an afternoon as an adult baby, be put into restrictive bondage gear or even having beans poured over them while sitting in a bath. I imagine most subs would struggle to ask their partners for these kind of things.

Do you have ‘normal’ sex in your personal life?

What’s normal sex? What’s not normal sex? As long as it’s legal I think it’s normal so yes! 🙂

How has being a dominatrix affected your personal life and relations?

I wouldn’t say it has impacted family relationships or friendships. I have always believed in honesty and good communication. I know of women in my profession who do not tell their partner or families and they are always looking over their shoulder. I couldn’t handle that.

I would say that being a domme is more problematic in romantic relationships. Men desire your company and enjoy the benefits of dating a Mistress or Domme, but they aren’t always able to deal with the independence it brings you. Issues like jealousy can rear its ugly head and they can feel threatened by your success. When you are a Mistress you have a harem of slaves who will be there if you need their assistance, so you never need a man. I also have 4 cats who are the most loving little sweethearts and share my bed, so it would take a very understanding fella to settle for a small portion of my time! 

Do you like to be dominated yourself in your personal life?

Dominated – no.  I like a guy to be adventurous and assertive, but I don’t enjoy being spanked or my hair being pulled. After being a dominatrix for so long it’s impossible for me to be that submissive outside of role play and anything too pushy would result in a slap to their chops! 

What would you want to do to a nervous, shy and polite student, how would you dominate him if you had your way?

It depends what was on his likes list for example whether he was into pain, or humiliation or dressing up, but I would like to see that shyness transform into a desire to be dominated. To see him sink to his knees with a longing look in his eye waiting for instruction, to follow orders and do as I bid. I would put a collar and leash on him and tell him that I was his boss and that he must please me however I see fit.  If he was extremely nervous I would start with something sensual and teasing such as trailing my flogger across his naked flesh. Next I would have him kiss my boots all over so I could observe him and assess. Then perhaps over my knee for a spanking to put him in his place. Some of my sessions can be very extreme with caning, nipple torture and electrics but these sessions generally tend to be with older and more experienced gentlemen that have a lot of experience of fetish.

Do you come from a religious background?

I don’t come from a religious background. I am a spiritual person and I believe in karma. I believe actions have consequences so we should carefully consider our actions.  Therefore I believe BDSM should only be practised consensually. If someone longs to experience an SAS style interrogation or hard punishment I am happy to enter into such games, but they always have a safe word to opt out. 

Should girls at University feel ashamed to pursue a career as a dominatrix or in the sex industry?

Not at all. I don’t think they should feel ashamed. University gives you wonderful life experience but nowadays the job market is saturated and it’s harder for graduates to find employment. There is no shame in doing such a job if you are drawn to it. However, I would advise any female assuming it is easy money and to think long and hard about embarking on such a career as it can be very difficult to exit. I have seen many girls over the years say that they have quit, and then a month or two later they have started up in the industry again.

I would also advise getting some experience in a mainstream career first and developing skills so that they have something to fall back on.

My job involves spending hours promoting, writing blogs, SEO, networking, filming, editing, advertising, answering messages and putting people at ease before they visit. It’s not just a case of purchasing a whip and suddenly you are a domme! It takes a lot of hard work and determination in a highly saturated market. Sometimes there are quieter spells and I have seen other girls fall apart over this as they haven’t prepared and spend money as soon as they have it.

Do you think kink and BDSM is beginning to manifest itself among students more nowadays?

Yes definitely. Ever since 50 Shades Of Grey came out the world has gone bonkers for fetish! Even mainstream tube sites have become fetish heavy. When exposed to such material, more people are going to want to experiment with it.

Students have always experimented sexually from the days of Woodstock and the boys of Cambridge up till present. It’s just that fetish is even more accessible these days and more imaginative.

Do you have plans for after being a dominatrix?

I’m also a writer and have written two romantic novels, Sordid Secrets and Dreaming in the Dark, by Kaz B. I have some more writing projects to complete and I’ve always wanted to make my own low budget mainstream film.

Do you think what you do degrades and objectifies women?

Far from it. I think being dominant empowers women. We are able to turn the tables and bring a man to his knees, to make the demands upon him instead of the other way round.

There is nothing degrading about having a man prepared to carry out your every whim to please you as his Mistress. Anyone that says it’s degrading is deluded, jealous or stuck in the past.

Would you consider yourself a feminist?

Yes I would. I believe that women should command the same respect as men and earn the same salary for doing the same job. Unfortunately there are feminists that give some of us a bad name, and feminists who attack other females for their choices. Feminism is about personal choice and supporting each other regardless of what career we may choose. I am not a fan of radical feminism and do not believe that sex workers should be targeted by far left feminists who think they know what’s best for other people and speak for them.

Do you think men being sexually dominated by women, makes them more respectful of women?

Yes I do. I have had subs come in and start moaning about their wives and how they don’t please them. I asked a series of questions along with the obvious – what do they do to please her? Even those who visit a domme and want to be submissive can get caught in the trap of thinking the wife’s job is to sexually satisfy them. I suggested next time they wanted to try something kinky to go down on her and give her a good orgasm before asking! I implied they would benefit from being less self centred and focused on their own orgasm when it comes to sex. Those who followed my advice reported back a happier sex life.

Sometimes even the most intelligent man needs to be told what to do when it comes to sex. Unfortunately, our patriarchal society still tends to have many outdated attitudes that need to be addressed. 

Do you dominate women?

I have been known to dominate women, but one thing I struggle with is causing them pain. It’s easy to dominate a large male and I don’t think twice about it. However when it comes to a woman, it sort of feels like I am betraying my gender so I tend not to see women.

I have had guys call up and say “My girlfriend has cheated on me – if I bring her round will you punish her?” With this kind of attitude I can see why the woman may have cheated and my sympathies are with the female and I tell them this! Men and women cheat for different reasons. Men generally want no strings sex with someone else, with women it tends to be when they do not get their emotional needs met.

Do you draw the line anywhere when it come to fetishes?

My limits are blood, scat, needles, obviously participants must be over 18 and I won’t do anything that would leave long lasting damage. I’ve had utterly ridiculous requests over the years. There was the sub who wanted a cheese grater used on his penis,  a guy that wanted me to cook and eat part of him and even one who wanted to be castrated. Obviously these messages were deleted straight away. I do give stern advice sometimes if I suspect that they are not just a fantasist. One guy messaged me and asked me to use hair straighteners on his penis. He had a lot of feedback on his profile so it was obvious he regularly did sessions. When I explained to him that this was not possible and very dangerous as he would be left severely deformed and would probably lose his penis, he admitted that he hadn’t thought it through and didn’t realise the consequences. I am glad that he contacted me as someone else may have gone through with it, so he potentially dodged a bullet that day!

Do you fantasise of dominating people you encounter in everyday life (postman, barista, etc)?

Not really, I have no need to. These sort of people come to me for sessions anyway. Subs come from every class, race and walk of life.

How much money does this career bring each year?

Depends on the dominatrix, where they are based, if it is their main job or not and how pro-active they are. I know dommes who have their own 4 bed houses and sports cars and I know dommes who are struggling to pay the rent each month. Where do I fall in this category? Haha – wouldn’t you like to know! 😛

I’ll say one thing though, I’m not the kind of person who can operate like a conveyor belt and I have a lot of creative pursuits that take up my time, so I won’t be splashing out on a Lamborghini Aventador anytime soon! 

Are you proud of your job?

Pride is probably not an accurate word. It has certainly opened my eyes to the world and allowed me to see more clearly. I do get a sense of satisfaction a lot of the time and I very much enjoy writing about fetish and blogging about my sessions afterwards. I suppose my pride comes from educating my readership on the world of fetish, guiding them and helping them to play safe and make the right decisions.

Did you discover your love of kink at university?

At university I was very much into the dance music scene rather than fetish. I was always involved in 

student radio and running my own dance nights, so I was yet to discover kink at this stage. Looking back, of course I played kinky games with boyfriends but back then I just thought that was called being adventurous!

The 50 shades of grey franchise has been accused of ‘normalising domestic violence’ do you think this is a fair criticism?

The far left will always be ready to criticise anything that does not conform to their black and white views of how the world should be. After the film came out there were just as many women on forums discussing their desire to dominate men as those who wanted to play submissive. Of course if a relationship is already abusive, then venturing into BDSM can exacerbate the matter, but I don’t believe that the public will watch 50 Shades and start thinking – ‘Oh it’s ok now if my boyfriend abuses me!’ Instead there should be more help available to people suffering in abusive relationships. The problem is, the abused party doesn’t always realise they are being abused at first until it gets more serious, then it can be extremely hard to get out. 

Do you like 50 shades of grey?

Christian Gray put me off 50 shades. He struck me as a bland, self-serving narcissist and his sole objective was his own personal pleasure. I find this extremely unappealing in a man, so for me 50 Shades left me cold. Of course, there are women who love to be the submissive one and I appreciate that it highly appeals to others. It’s simply a matter of personal preference and E.L. James has done extraordinarily well and got people talking about BDSM which is great! 

Do you think there is a problem in the sex industry with the way women are treated?

It depends –  are we referring to porn or sex work? In the States women are often mistreated on set – just look at Max Hardcore’s ‘Filmed Rapes’ who eventually went to prison for his crimes against women. American porn star Nikki Benz  admitted to being abused on the set of Brazzers and Ron Jeremy has been accused of rape too, so yes it happens.  In America, girls are often taken on by agents who put them in a shared house then tell them they have to make X amount to cover rent and bills. Often they are forced into doing more hardcore and extreme jobs than they are comfortable with to make ends meet and avoid displeasing the agency and being ostracised.

The UK industry is much smaller and everyone knows each other so there are less problems, although new girls are easy prey for rogues who choose to target them. There are usually a few dodgy guys with cameras pretending to be photographers who groom new models and try to coerce them into sex. It’s utterly vile!

Escorts suffer on many accounts. I have visited many online forums and they are awash with tales of girls who have been harassed, stalked, stolen from or beaten by clients. Escorts are also the target of abuse from radical feminists and society at times too. There are activists who are trying to change this and de-stigmatise sex work, but it still goes on. We need to accept that sex work is real work and support this section or society, especially the more vulnerable workers. It’s not just women that are treated poorly, the stigma affects all kinds of sex workers whether they are male, female, trans or non binary. We need to work on society’s attitude and educate people that these are human beings, who are simply doing a job just like anyone else. 

The world needs to change a great deal still but the more we talk about it, make programmes about it and write books on the subject, this will have an impact on society as life mirrors art.