What it’s really like to date a dominatrix

I recently created a Vlog ‘What it’s really like to date a dominatrix’ on my and Pod’s Rumble channel KaznPodcast. The cast takes a look into what it’s really like to date a dominatrix, looking at some of the common misconceptions and myths. While it is all common sense and quite obvious, at least to us dommes, there are so many slaves that struggle to distinguish reality from fantasy. While the realm of fantasy is a glorious place to visit, it starts getting tricky if subs really can’t tell the difference between the two and have unrealistic expectations. I’ll delve into some of those expectations in a moment but if you would prefer to watch the video, you can do so here: https://rumble.com/v3uotps-what-its-like-to-really-date-a-domme.html

The content I write may include more detail as my brain and fingers tend to go off on a deeper journey when I write, so, by all means, read this too if you have the inclination and the curiosity.

Myth number 1: Dommes float about all day in PVC, latex, and heels waiting for subs to whip and punish.

Truth: Most dommes are doing everyday stuff like just like you. When they are working they will often be dressed up to the nine and many dommes, myself included enjoy various elements of BDSM during session time. However, most dommes have plenty of other interests, friendships, and relationships, and may go shopping in their jeans or change into their pajamas when they clock off. Over the years, I’ve stayed overnight with many dommes and as soon as that last subby leaves, they take everything off and slip into fluffy pj’s! Perhaps I should maintain the illusion for you but I see no reason to do so. Seeing a domme as a one-trick pony and a two-dimensional character is dehumanizing. Your perception of your domme shouldn’t be based on how she chooses to dress. In fact, I have various online slaves that love it when I’m in my satin PJs domming them or in my workout gear. Don’t forget, she may enjoy dressing up or even take outfit requests but you never get to demand. The femdom always has the final say.

Myth number 2: If I manage to date a domme then I’ll get kinky action around the clock!

Truth: If you are seeking kinky action around the clock then you need to work harder and find the funds and not hope that you can pull the wool over some baby-domme’s eyes and turn her into your kink mule! If you are a sub who ends up dating a dominant female, there will most likely be times when you indulge in a hefty dose of kink, but this will be on her terms. If she’s been working all day, she may want to chillout and read a book, watch a movie, or do whatever her preferred activity is. This is where jealousy can slip into the mix, unfortunately. If she’s been wearing stockings and PVC all day long, she may not wish to pop it all back on again and indulge your fetish before dinner. Relationships are give and take and if you see her as a kink dispenser, you’ll undoubtedly end up very disappointed and most likely dumped!

Years ago, I’d be writing blogs or articles after work and the guy I was seeing would have a tantrum if I didn’t want to put on stockings or dress him in them. It really is pathetic and unattractive to see a man-child making demands for sexual kinks and shouting things like, “You’ve dressed up for your subs all day, why won’t you do it for me now!” and that, my friends is one of the many reasons he ended up living back on his mum’s sofa. Ok, so he was an extreme example, and jealousy can rear its head at any time which is completely normal. The key is to have honest, open discussion, not jump to conclusions, and to talk it through with your significant other. Jealousy can often stem from an irrational worry but it’s how you deal with that emotion that paves the way for the rest of the relationship. Person A should be able to say “I have this worry” without hollering, shouting, or being accusatory. Person B should be able to address that concern reasonably and rationalise that they understand the worry but it is baseless. It sounds easy, doesn’t it? In practice, it can be harder and takes a certain level of emotional intelligence to understand the other person’s concerns and communicate with each other without becoming defensive or accusatory. Not everyone is cut out for this. If you are someone who struggles with jealousy and haven’t done the work to understand yourself and these emotions and how to effectively communicate your feelings without screaming and shouting, then dating a domme or a creator is not for you.

As a domme, sometimes you will need to answer texts as off times or even slip off and do a video call. At the end of the day, it’s her source of income, and trying to control this will affect her business, and anyone who cannot understand this shouldn’t even try to date someone in the industry, as you will both end up miserable.

Misconception number 3: You can go to kink clubs and dungeons straight away

Truth: She’s probably been to many events and while she enjoys them, she may see them as networking events and won’t find it as thrilling as you do if you have had little experience of it. If you suggest a kink club on the first date, you are likely to get turned down. Personally, the dates I have been on have involved a nice restaurant, a coffee shop, a wine bar, or something non-kink related. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t go to a club for a date but certainly not at first. You can’t have your pudding till you’ve finished your main and trying to jump straight to the bit that may fulfill you and give you instant gratification tells her that you are just lazy and can’t be bothered to put the effort in.

Misconception number 4: If I approach dommes on their work profiles or book a session, I’ll get a date.

Truth: Oh cripes, this one really is a cringefest and a half. Why would you assume that any service provider will date you just because you’ve asked? Do you think you are God’s gift? Or maybe she must be desperate and will fall on her knees in gratitude because she’s only had 20 other offers that week? It’s arrogant and disrespectful to assume she will be interested in you in that way. Sometimes, you can grow to know each other well in sessions and a friendship may even develop but that doesn’t mean she wants to start sessions with you for free or even go on a date with you. You wouldn’t ask your Doctor out after she’d just fumbled around with your testicles looking for lumps, so why do you see a domme as any different?

If you really want to date a dominant you are better off looking at the lifestyle scene and not the pro domme scene. Look at alternative websites, attend some munches or even some kink events. It’s scandalous how many subs complain that they can’t find a kinky play partner but put zero effort into doing any of those things! The amount of chaps that will just slide into a pro-dommes DM’s with a pitiful, “Hey/hi” or even a “yo” as if she is one of his crew members is shocking! Maybe some subbies can tell me what this is supposed to achieve? Instead of being irritated, does anyone really expect her to be bowled over by these disdainful, piss-poor attempts at communication? If you are opening a line of communication in view of seeking services, then explain that along with your kinks, limits, and availability. If you are polite, she may reply. If you are looking to message with a view to dating, can I just stop you there and say don’t! Invest your efforts where they will be appreciated and not rejected. Look into lifestyle dommes on Fetlife or attend an event like the Birmingham Bizarre Bazaar.

Dating a domme is extremely different to experiencing a session with a pro. In a session, the domme has carved out that time to give you her undivided attention and help you on your journey to experiencing your submissive desires. A lifestyle relationship is entirely different and requires two-way effort. If you want to lie there wordlessly like a sleepy sloth, your pro domme probably won’t give two hoots. Your S.O however is going to start thinking you are low value if you flop down like a mute starfish every time and make no effort to take her out.

Every type of relationship is an investment, whether that be in terms of time, money, attention, or support and both types tend to require different elements. Think about what it really is you are seeking, what value you can add to that relationship whether it be a professional or lifestyle scenario, and whether your values and expectations align with the other person.

I hope you have enjoyed this blog. Feel free to leave some thoughts, and comments and have your say on this topic.

I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely Miss Kaz B

Follow our Twitter: https://twitter.com/KazBandPodscast