How To Not Offend Your Domme

Acquiring a new, compatible domme can be a minefield for submissive gentlemen. The first part of the process is relatively simple, narrowing your search down to whoever seems to fit what you are seeking and finding out if you ‘click.’  You may then enjoy a wonderful session from your perspective, only to find she doesn’t want to see you again.

I find a lot of rookie submissives make the same faux pas in an introductory session, and of course, first impressions count. I will outline a list below, of things that you should never say to a new domme. Of course, over time friendships may develop and the guidelines may adjust slightly, but you should certainly adhere to all of these rules of engagement in the early stages, and most of them in the later stages. It is common for Mistresses and Slaves to sometimes form a good relationship or even friendship, but this usually down to compatible tastes, similar values and interests – outside of the realms of fetish!

Trust is always something that has to be earned by a submissive. Whilst, crossing your dommes palms with silver (or paper to be more accurate) may allow you to visit your domme more regularly, trust can never be bought and is something you must work for.

Trust encompasses many things and is not merely limited to keeping your paws to yourself. To earn her (or his trust) you would do well to respect her privacy, avoid interrogative lines of questioning and appearing overly familiar too quickly. She will set the rules and decide if and when informalities are appropriate. You should never push or expect, only hope and do everything within your power to respect these codes.

Suitable ice breakers

Most subs are subject to first-time nerves when meeting a new domme and may feel the need to break the ice, and chatter away.  If she doesn’t pop a ball gag in your mouth, or pin you with a steely glare, then it’s likely that she is comfortable with this.  Of course, you may be more comfortable not speaking at all, and of course, this is fine, assuming you answer any questions when directly addressed.  Here is a list of suitable ice breakers and ‘safe’ conversational points to start with to help keep you on track.

The Weather

Outside interests and hobbies

Tastes; Films, books, cuisine, travel, music, fetish,

A past experience you had (though avoid prattling on for hours about another Mistress or the texture and sensation of a particular item she used upon you)

Any sports you enjoy, holidays you’ve taken, and more generalised chit chat about the news, recent events and what’s going on in the world.

These are all very safe topics and it would be pretty hard to fail on any of these subjects. I would suggest that the very first time you meet your domme, that you try and limit yourself to these subjects mostly, to avoid overstepping the mark. Avoid venturing into the realms of politics, or anything too controversial. If you get to eventually know your domme very well, then these kinds of conversations can be stimulating for both of you, and even if you have opposing opinions this can help open up different points of view for consideration. On a first meeting, however, it’s a no-no. In fact, a lot of these rules can be applied to dating too, which is very different from a domme session, so do not make the mistake of regarding your session as a date and asking your new found domme out afterwards. It’s embarrassing for both parties and just not the done thing.

Lines of questioning to avoid.


There are several common questions that are absolute mood killers for dommes. Avoid falling into the trap of asking these and causing your domme to commit the ultimate disparagement, saving your number in her phone with a cautious nickname! This could read something like, ‘Nosy Parker,’ ‘Boundary Pusher,’ or just plain, ‘Twat.’

So here are the top most irritating questions for any domme.









1• Do your neighbours/family know what you do?

This is an utterly pointless and unnecessary question. Why should you care what her neighbours think? Are you head of the neighbour watch? Why do you care about what her family think? Are you planning on inviting them out for a drink! I am more than certain you would not feel too kindly towards a new domme who asked, “So do your wife and kids know you like being spanked?” No. You would see it as an intrusion of your privacy, so do not ask questions that you would not like asked of yourself.

2• How much money do you make per day, or how many clients do you see per day (which is basically the same question!)

If you ask a domme her earnings, she will assume one of several things: That you are staging a robbery, you are planning on asking for a discount, or that you are someone who has no respect for boundaries. It is grossly distasteful to make such inquiries, so don’t do it.

3• What do you enjoy in your personal life?

A good answer to this for any fellow dommes reading this is “Gardening and travel!”  Whilst subtle, it’s still a question about your sex life and completely inappropriate, so reward it with a dull and uninspired answer.

4• You are so sexy, can I take you out?

This is disrespectful on many levels. Your domme may be sexy, but defining her by her ‘sexiness’ is akin to ignoring her other attributes, her mind, her personality, which are a domme’s secret weapons. To follow this with, ‘Can I take you out?‘ is even worse.  Firstly, it is presumptuous and makes the assumption that to do the job she is doing, she must, therefore, be single. It also infers that she must be lonely, desperate or available to push aside her busy schedule at the drop of a hat, to stroke your ego and go for a drink with you. However much you fancy your domme, it’s just not worth upsetting the apple cart.

5• I know your profile says that you don’t do outcalls, trips abroad or work on a Tuesday/Friday but would you make an exception?

This comes off as arrogant and brash. If a domme specifies that she is unavailable for specific things, there is a reason for that. Pushing her on these topics will simply alienate her.

Less common, but equally annoying questions.

6• I’m not sure about this, can you just wank me off?

If you have booked a domme session with a dominatrix offering BDSM services, you have three choices, persevere with the task in hand or request she goes more slowly, say that you would rather chat until the end of the session, or simply leave. Trying to twist a session into an entirely different encounter is not one that will be accepted. Whilst your domme may have ways she rewards good behaviour, you can never demand or ask to be ‘wanked off.’

7• Can I kiss you, would you ever suck me off/have sex with me.

In terms of self-entitled wank puppets, this one is off the scale! If you ever want to be permanently dismissed, slapped or ghosted by your domme, this is the question to ask!

This is overstepping acceptable forms of behaviour from a slave, and in a truly grotesque manner. Aside from ignoring boundaries, you are doing one of two things:

a) Reducing her in your eyes to a prostitute, or

b) Assuming some kind of romantic relationship with the domme. Neither assumption is acceptable.

Assuming you choose to follow my advice and avoid these 7 sins, you should be ok. Treat your domme initially as you may treat a new boss, with caution!

Be polite, courteous and respectful and you will earn your dommes trust.

Throwing in a little humour can sometimes help you to form a stronger bond with your Mistress or Master, when appropriate. If you are unsure of what sort of humour is safe, I would always advise avoiding anything antagonistic, racist or homophobic. Also you would be wise to avoid any joke that targets the domme.  You will grow to know your domme over time and learn more about her taste, and there is no rush.

In the meantime, enjoy.