Findom Versus Femdom Plus Mental Health

Today I’m going to discuss Findom Versus Femdom. To start lets define each of those.

Findom – A fetish in which a submissive person is aroused by giving money to someone he views as superior, or having his finances controlled. A sub with a true Findom fetish will not expect anything in return.

Femdom – The act of a females dominance over a submissive male partner/play partner/slave.

**Unpopular Opinion Alert**

Whilst they sound very similar they could not be more different. Most Findom’s regard the male species as ‘inferior’, ‘repugnant’ and ‘worthless,’ and while I agree that there are men that do indeed fit into this category, this is not how I personally tend to view my slaves. For me it is a power exchange. I expect them to be obedient, respectful and act like gentlemen but unless there is some form of agreed humiliation play, then I would not be hollering, “give me money Pig,” I would not cheapen myself to act in such an undignified manner.

This is why I tend not to overlap Findom with Femdom on my social media pages, because while I enjoy Findom as a role-play, acting likes an obnoxious, shouty brat that demands her Pizza, Twix and a bottle of Lambrini is paid for is not a route I wish to travel through. I am in no way disrespecting Findoms and I admire their patience in a world of so many Findom fantasists. I would get bored far too easily and do not have the patience required to wade through the hay to seek the elusive needle.

There are many fantasists of the Findom variety and one of their favourite methods is to try and get you to shout at them down the phone and demand money. I state that unless they tribute first their will be no such phone calls. For me, once a transaction has been made by the sub, we have then entered into an agreed role play, otherwise it’s just begging. That’s how I see it. I’ve always found it a little vulgar to demand/beg for money or even discuss my finances with anyone else. For me, such things should be discussed in a civilised manner. Perhaps I am a genetic throwback to my Grandad (who also happened to love writing) or maybe I see money as a commodity rather than being the epicentre of all that exists.

All dommes have different personalities, characters and style and what works for one does not work for all. Some dommes love to be the authoritarian sadist and revel in this side to their personality. Others like to holler and scream and that suits them just perfectly. If they enjoy what they do then I applaud that. I find too much hollering and shouting utterly exhausting, it’s just not my personality to shout all day long and life’s too short to do something you don’t enjoy, but I appreciate other dommes may find this an integral  to what they do.  If I were to describe my femdom style, I would call it teasing, seductive, convincing – manipulating, and encouraging. A Sub I know once described me as a ‘nurturing domme that gets the best out of people.’ I like that, I think I do nurture, hence many of my subs are long time regulars. Again my method is not better than anyone else’s method, it’s just difference and diversity is the spice of life.

This has in turn drawn a different sub type of Findom slave to me, which is those who wish to spoil their Mistress without stepping into the role of ‘worthless slave.’ Of course, I can easily role play that, but not every sub desires humiliation or extreme control, everyone is different. There is no one size fits all and trying to fit them all into one box is like trying to stick a size ten foot into Cinderella’s size 3 slipper!

Everyone’s pockets have different depths and gifts have ranged from  stockings, flowers, chocolate, wine and spirits, through to  sexy clothing, cash, wish list items and spa holidays.  I didn’t demand any of these presents or shout at my slaves and the slaves did not expect anything in return.  These were gifted to me as the slave wanted to please Mistress and I had not even met a large proportion of these generous gifters. I never said it wasn’t enough or demanded more and yes shock horror – I did thank them! I can see any Findom’s reading this rolling their eyes in disgust at the notion of saying thank you to a slave for his hard earned money.  Perhaps I am a product of my generation where good manners are integral to ones character. I was the child who always wrote long thank you letters to the distant auntie who sent a £10 note on birthdays and at Christmas.

One thing that confuses me about Findom is when I see young Dommes demanding larger sums of cash from subs until they have nothing left. Isn’t that a little similar to the parable about the Golden Goose? In the story, the Golden Goose lays a single gold egg everyday and the farmer’s wife is delighted at first. She is rich, but the farmer’s wife is greedy and not content with one golden egg, she wants more. She wonders if the goose is full of golden eggs and she dreams about getting all of them at once, so she takes the knife and slits open the stomach of the poor Goose, expecting to find more gold inside. Sadly, the Goose is no more, and the wife’s miserly greed is punished as she cuts off her supply of golden eggs by killing the goose. I see a strong parallel here with some of the more questionable findom methods. By draining a subs resources too quickly, are the Findommes putting their enablers into financial debt and cutting open their Gooses? That’s one for you to ponder and get back to me! Perhaps I’m missing something here and part of the turn-on for a findom sub is to end up a homeless, alcoholic that urinates in shop doorways and sleeps on benches.

I would have thought it was obvious, encourage your sub to be the best they can, to be happy, to take care of their mental health. Yes this is a job and we need to be tributed, but along the way we make some good friendships. Some dommes may wish to have a complete separation between them and their slaves and do not ever talk to them outside of paid sessions, which is also fine, but they are still people at the end of the day. Outside of role play, if someone genuinely wants to drain a sub dry, ruin them and spend all of their money, then I think they are a horrible specimen and a spiritually un-evolved person no better than plankton (although plankton does have a use at least!)

Another problem with this is that there are so many men out there with mental health disorders, learning difficulties and other disabilities and they are easy prey for the heartless vultures to descend on in their droves, to pluck out their pound of meat. To give you an example: A while back I saw screenshots between a domme and a sub. The sub (who was very polite) was apologising and saying he had mental health issues and the Domme told him to go and commit suicide! BDSM is all about fetish and domination in a safe space, and as the domme you have a responsibility to consider the mental health of anyone you enter into an agreed role play with. When did Dommes start encouraging people to kill themselves? Unfortunately with this extreme brand of Findom, dommes egg each other on online, they all want to get the most money from subs to show off to their peers, they are all battling to be alpha and be the most cruel and sadistic. That just takes the fun out of it for me. The only person I compete with is who I was last week. We aren’t in Jail honey and being top dog doesn’t ensure your survival. There’s no need to overcompensate for your insecurities, you’ll just making us more aware of them by trying to be the biggest, baddest bitch in the kennel.

I’m sure this blog will ruffle a few feathers, but I’m not saying anything that isn’t true. As Dommes, we all have a duty of care and sometimes that involves a little aftercare as well. When a sub breaks down in tears because of mental health issues/unresolved traumas or triggers, it is our duty to listen, absorb and show a little kindness, not to add to their torment.

We may not be brain surgeons, scientists or astronauts but we have the power to make someones life a little better. It would be a preposterous waste not to use that power for good. How will you make someones life better today?

On that note, I’ll wish you a wonderful weekend and say auf wiedersehen!