Sub J lives across the pond from us in the USA. He is a switch but currently going through a more submissive phase. He gets his kicks from spending extensive periods in chastity. What’s slightly more unusual, and indeed wonderful about J, is that he shares his fetish with his wife who fully embraces a kinky sex life. Find out about their fascinating relationship dynamic, who wears the trousers and the kinky stuff they get up to!
Hello There Sub J. Can you tell us a little more about your fetishes and how you entered into the BDSM scene?
From a very young age (teens) I never was really interested in vanilla types of porn. I was interested in Japanese rope bondage and things of that nature. The older I got the more I discovered about BDSM and realised I was not a vanilla person.
Did you meet your wife through the BDSM scene or did that happen later?
Not at all. In fact I introduced her to BDSM and the like and she took an instant liking to it and we quickly discovered we are both switches with her being a bit more of a dominant.
It’s great that you and your wife are so open and can enjoy the lifestyle together. Do you visit clubs together and if so what goes on? I bet you must see some incredible things?
It is great to be so open. That being said we both wish to try to remain private in our daily lives so we haven’t really visited any clubs or scenes or connected with the community at all. We say if we take a long trip out of the area we live we probably will check out a scene in that area one day.
You mentioned that you are a switch? Do you prefer to be submissive or dominant? Do you ever have disagreements with your wife about who is in charge or are you happy for her to take the lead?
We never have had any disagreements about who should be the Dom and who the sub. We sort of just know each other. One day I looked at her while I was the sub and I could just tell and took a dom tone and attitude and she submitted naturally. Right now I am deeply sub to her and she is really driving the point home.
How heavily involved in the lifestyle are you both? Is it an important part of your life or do you just dabble from time to time?
At times we just dabble in it however presently it is an ever present part of our lives. She is controlling my food intake, my exercise and grooming habits. From the moment I come home I am expected nude and collared. I would say it is a TPE currently. (Total Power Exchange).
It sounds like she has you very well trained. I have had a lot of subs say to me that they have a secret fetish but don’t know how to bring it up with their girlfriends or wives. What would be your advice to them?
Speaking from the standpoint of Chastity, some good books exist out there with tips on how to break it to your SO (significant other). I think the best tip is be open and honest. If you have a truly open and loving relationship and you express how much you need this in your life you may get your SO to try it for you. They may or may not like it but the key is you will never know unless you talk to your SO.
I think you are right and that the longer you leave it the harder it becomes to express your desires. Fetish has become very popular here in the UK and sort of trendy. How do most American’s view fetish and the BDSM lifestyle?
Much like everything else sexual in the US compared to the rest of the world it all seems a bit more prudish. Sure 50 shades of grey (ick) has made BDSM seem more mainstream however it is still a big taboo. Part of the reason we are so private and keep our personal lives so hidden from the “lifestyle” is because with the morality standards here in the US you just never know if it would be accepted or you would find yourself out of a job and shunned and embarrassed.
I guess we Brits are lucky in some respects then as we are probably less shockable. We would love to hear more about your experiences in chastity and with orgasm denial?
Its such an odd fetish but also very common. I know a ton of psychology and physiology exists behind why it is so thrilling to be denied, but beyond that it is simply exquisite the feelings you have. I personally have been able to fall into a deep trance like state of sub space while stroking right on the edge and then not cumming. It is almost impossible to put into words the feelings I have and the more of those feelings you have the more you want them so it becomes a bit of a feedback loop.
What thrills you about it the most and what’s the longest the missus has kept you under lock and key?
The lack of control for sure. Not knowing when and if I will be allowed to cum. Tied to the bed and being ridden while she wands herself with a Hitachi magic wand only to cum multiple times and then pull off denying me release. It’s so exotic and erotic. The longest we have gone was six weeks and it was torture. We just did a little shy of two weeks and are starting roughly a month. Her goal is to get me denied for a full year.
Wow! A full year? Do you miss the connection you get from sex with her and does she miss it at all when you have extended periods of chastity? ? What does she enjoy most about the thought of putting you into chastity for a year?
We don’t really miss any connection. If we make the full year I will probably be pleasing her a ton orally as well as her riding my, I mean her ;), cock until I am at the edge. We have a strapon she will likely use to peg me as well as a mouth dildo she rides and a cock sleeve that goes over the cock. It is more about abstaining from orgasm not from the actual act of sex if that makes sense.
Yes it makes perfect sense. I suppose it allows you to deepen your connection and spend more time during erotic encounters than a quick pump and release ever would. It would require a deep trust and intimacy as well. Have you ever managed to lose the key or has anything ever gone wrong?
Ha! Thankfully no. We use a mature metal steel cage sometimes but currently we are less interested in an actual cage so that she has unfettered access to toy with her “property” whenever she desires.
What are your tips to have a successful BDSM relationship with your significant other?
Open and honest communication. We have tried so many different things just from talking about it and seeing that one of us was really interested in it and being able to bring that pleasure to each other caused the other one of us to enjoy it.